1. I went to the ecology site with boyfriend and saw two really adorable red foxes while we were walking. They were just so cute and they kept pouncing on each other playfully, boyfriend and I sat there watching them and laughing at them and taking pictures of them for a good five minutes. It was absolutely adorable.

2. Boyfriend said that he finally likes the way my body is. Although it freaks me out to be at a weight that’s “normal,” I love that he’s happy. I know I have a terrible perception of myself, so the fact that he’s really happy with it is wonderful. It was nice to be touched in a way that felt like he wanted to, rather than in a way that he felt he was going to break me if he hugged too tight.

3. Doctor Who! It was an awesome episode. For those of you that watch, I really love Clara as a companion for the Doctor. Great episode, as always :) I was super happy it was on demand already even though it just showed last night.

And I haven’t counted calories today.

It’s fine fine fine fine fine. I’m fine.

I’m kind of proud of myself.

Today in therapy, my therapist was talking about how I really need to get it through my head that my REAL job right now isn’t anything but recovery. Recovery is more of a job than anyone else in my life has - it’s not just doing a job and doing it right. It’s finding yourself, figuring how to live healthily and happily. It made me feel good to know that she thought that I’m doing the right thing by taking medical leave.
She also said that I need to wake up in the morning thinking I have to COMMIT to recovery and truly commit to it. “Every night, assess how well you think you did that day. Really think about how far you’ve come and figure out the steps you’ve taken and where you need to improve.”
So maybe I’ll start doing like I did when I was in Mather. I’ll sum up my day, track my efforts towards recovery, the struggles I faced daily. Maybe I need to act like life itself is treatment, each experience is a way to learn about myself, a way to test myself and push myself to the next level.
So if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to stop bitching about the ups and downs of recovery and start tracking the progress that I’m making and where I need to improve. I somehow think you guys would be okay with that :)
I love you all and thank you for bearing with me through this difficult time. Thank you for the love, the support, the encouragement…everything.

Kim Brittingham (via sugaryumyum)

(Source: internal-acceptance-movement, via togetherinrecovery)

These revelations seem to ebb and flow like the tide. One moment I think I’m too thin and that I need to gain weight and the next I think I was crazy for ever thinking I needed to gain an ounce. I just want a bit of stability in my mind, but I’m learning that this may be too much to ask for.
I have to gain weight but I don’t want to. I have to eat dinner but I’m afraid to. Hello, insanity.

Not having a good day. Obsessing over my body and weight, not having a good day meal plan wise and I really can’t afford to have a bad day. Why is my heart basically failing Monday night not motivation enough to do this?

I will be okay with my body today. I will be okay with the fact that my weight is not as low as I’d like it and I will be okay with the fact that I have to start eating right and treating my body the way it deserves to be treated.
Off to work!

Someone please find a way to drill this into my head and pull me out of this relapse.  I can’t do this.

Why do I still see this massive obese girl when I look in the mirror despite being underweight?

Read more because forever long and a lot of personal details. Plus weight.