N’tima  (via kevinidentity)

(Source: mariaarroyo, via alexaarae)

1. I went to my Mom’s office to do some work for some extra money and it was so much nicer being there by myself since it’s a weekend. I listened to my Ed Sheeran and Nirvana Pandora stations and got some work done. Yay money :)

2. Between the two jobs, boyfriend was on a break at the school too (he works in the back part of the theater, I work in the front) so I met up with him. It really made my day to see him even for a half hour. I got little mac and cheese bites and they were yummy.

3. Started the new job, it was a bit boring but it was good. Lots of people, really nice so hopefully it’ll be good!

1. Boyfriend came over today and, although he started in a bad mood, he said that spending time with me made him feel better. Things are finally okay with us.

2. We talked about where we are and he said with more confidence than ever that we’re going to be ok. That he has forgiven me and that he loves me even more. “It just proves how strong our love is, that we can get through this and come out stronger. I cherish our relationship.”

3. We put a lock in my sliding back door which we’ve been meaning to do for over a year. SO much more convenient to be able to use the back door!

4. The weather today was absolutely lovely! :)

5. Boyfriend said sorry about something silly and we’re both trying to stop apologizing needlessly so I tackled him and tickled him. It was fun and cute and silly :)

searchingforbliss:

Accurate. 

(Source: stoned-ariel, via everythingis-impermanent)

foreign-feelings:

slicing:

josephdreamboatlevitt:

unatheblade:

rockcandymelted:

this is both hilariously, and horrifyingly, true.

Since we were all talking about how to get feminism out into the mainstream. Well done Louis CK. Using your power for good. 

Hi, where are we going?

To your death, statistically. 

and this is how you joke about sexism

Lololol

(via alexkendafafafa)

1. I got a scholarship! Given, it’s only $500 but every little bit helps :) I was really surprised that I even got it.

2. Boyfriend came to a support group at Mather with me and there was a couple there to take about recovery and they gave us a lot of good advice about getting through it. It was inspirational to see that they were still together after all they went through and they had three kids. Boyfriend said it made him happy to see them so happy…that he thinks we will be like them one day.

3. M&M chipwiches. Yum.

The best decision I ever made was starting to see this therapist. We really get through a lot in every session.

Today, I talked to her about the guilt I feel and how literally with every little thing, I feel guilty and wonder if I’ll ever be over this. The lying, the eating disorder, everything. We were talking today and, while we said yes it needs to be partially for myself, it does have to be for others. I need to get better because I need to stop hurting myself, but I also need to do it for the people around me, so I don’t keep hurting them.

I shouldn’t feel guilty about the things I’ve done anymore - I’ve owned up to them, I’ve been honest and I’ve really allowed myself to be vulnerable and that’s all I can do. Now, the only way that I can ever make it up to them is to stop hurting them. To stop causing them pain by using my eating disorder, by lying, by being manipulative. I need to walk around like I owe them something NOW rather than walking around feeling as if I need to fix the past. The past is already done and there’s no way to fix it, all I can do is try to give them the comfort of knowing that things will change.

I felt so great after leaving therapy. I feel like things are different and I don’t feel like a bad person anymore. I realize that it wasn’t lying for the sake of lying. Those lies were to fill a void that nothing else could fill, to fill a need that wasn’t otherwise being fulfilled. Just like some people avoid their emotions, just like some people drink or smoke or hurt themselves, just like some people tell white lies, like some people exaggerate the truth… I needed a need fulfilled. I was neglected and hurt and forced to fill a role that was too big for me at such a young age. I wanted love, attention, compassion and understanding.

Now, that need is being fulfilled by the loving and understanding people in my life. I can let go of those terrible coping mechanisms because I finally have love in my life. Unconditional, selfless love. And I’m ready to give that back to the people that are willing to give it to me.

Love has literally saved me.

Things are good with me and boyfriend. Of course we’re still kind of picking up the pieces, but the doubt that he used to have in our relationship after the lies seems to be dissipating. Last night, after our “first date” I asked him if he thinks we’ll be okay. A week ago, he would have said we had a good chance, that he thinks we probably will be okay. Last night, he just said yes. I have faith that our relationship will heal from this because he knows that these disorders have done far more damage to my life than he will ever know. I’m not using these disorders as an excuse, but I’m glad for the chance to start over. Form a new relationship on the foundations of honesty, trust and friendship. Because he is my best friend and I, for as much as I can tell, am his.

Then comes the conflict. My best friend (a long distance one) that I met in treatment is upset. She feels that it was something she did or didn’t do and also, of course, feels betrayed and incredibly hurt. I understand the pain, the hurt and the distrust. I don’t know that I could go from finding out about all the lies to simply blindly trusting someone with no reason to… but I don’t know how to handle not talking to her. I don’t know how to handle things without her. It hurts. It hurts that the one person I actually expected to understand all of this, doesn’t. It hurts that she and boyfriend were the reason I had the courage to own up to my mistakes and admit to the lies and now I’m left in the dust, feeling alone and miserable because now I feel as if I have nothing. Nothing at all. Now I’m dealing with the reality of everything that’s happened without my best friend. I know I’m just being selfish…that she really shouldn’t want or have to deal with me after all of this anyway. But I feel alone. I miss her. I love and need her. I’m tired of feeling so alone.

1. I GOT THE RESEARCH POSITION I INTERVIEWED FOR! I’m super excited because this means I get to learn how to run an EEG and all that kind of stuff. I’m really excited.

2. Got lunch with boyfriend and our other friend and sat on the steps outside at school and it was absolutely beautiful outside.

3. Boyfriend said that he forgives me. While I know that this is far from being over, it gave me a little faith that it’s going to be okay.

4. I asked God for a sign that it was going to be okay the other night and boyfriend told me that when he first realized I was lying, he went to church and the priest told a story about how forgiving for lying, cheating, stealing and all that is important and he said he realized he forgave me even though there was a lot to forgive. I took this as a sign that it was going to be okay all along, that maybe this is a bump in the road that will make us stronger. I’m not usually like this but it just… it made me feel a lot better about all of this. It’s going to be okay.

1. I got to turn to May on my puppy calendar and I get to look at an adorable dalmatian for the month of May!

2. I invited boyfriend over for our “first date.” I made dinner and it was absolutely delicious. I put avocado, tomato, feta cheese, mozzarella cheese and grilled chicken in a little puff pastry pocket and baked them….amazing. Then we watched New Girl and I helped him with his homework. Then we played Crash Bandicoot. He said he had an amazing day and so did it. It’s amazing to feel here for the first time in a very long time.

3. We went to half-apps with his friend later in the night and it was again just nice to feel THERE for once. They’re all hysterical and we got these pretzel sticks with beer dip and a milkshake. Yummy.

4. Had…fun with boyfriend.

5. I told him what my therapist said about it being beautiful that our love is literally strong enough to pull me out of these deep-rooted childhood issues and save me from myself, pulling me into this new, better chapter of my life, finally closing off the one that was suffocating me for all those years. He smiled. I feel like it’s going to be okay.

Yesterday really was an amazing day.