List 10 PHYSICAL features you like about yourself.

1. My hair

2. The freckle on my right (your left) cheek.

3. My eyes.

4. My butt. It’s awesome, I’ll admit it.

5. My boobs. I don’t care if they’re small, they’re awesome.

6. My height. I love being short.

7. My eyelashes.

8. My shoulders.

9. My cheekbones.

10. My back.

Does anyone in your close family have an eating disorder? If so, do you think it had an impact on you developing one?

Most of the women in my family have an eating disorder or some kind of unhealthy relationship with food. One Aunt was anorexic, one Aunt was bulimic, one Aunt had EDNOS, my Mom is an overeater, my Grandma is a severe yo-yo dieter, if not EDNOS. The only one that has a relatively healthy relationship with food is my Nana, and she even struggles a bit.

I think that it definitely had an impact on my developing an eating disorder. I think that people are genetically predisposed to having them, but the fact that I grew up around all people that had unhealthy relationships with food didn’t help me to stay on the right track. My disorder began really young (10 or 11) so I think that while there was a nature part of it, a lot of it had to have been nurture- monkey see monkey do kind of thing.

Create a list of all the negative things your eating disorder has given you.

Some of these will also be what it’s taken from me. It’s given me a lot of negative things, and taken a lot of the positives away.

1. A heart condition that I’ll have to deal with the rest of my life.

2. A hatred of my body.

3. A compromised immune system.

4. A fear of foods that I used to love.

5. A fear of committing to anyone. I’m afraid that the disorder will push them away.

6. It’s taken some of my best friends, people that mattered so much to me, but the disorder pushed them away.

7. A hole in my heart where Alexa used to be.

8. An even more difficult relationship with my mother.

9. A hard time accepting myself.

10. A plethora of jean sizes in my closet. I want to rip them all apart and start new.

11. A difficult time doing things like exercising for healthy reasons.

12. A lack of faith.

Create a list of all the positive things your eating disorder has given you. (This day should be short haha.)

There were a lot of things that I THOUGHT were positive that the disorder gave me. They were positive in my distorted perception of things. So I think I’m going to list the things that I thought were positive, then say why they absolutely weren’t.

1. The disorder made me thinner. But really it just made me sicker. The weight loss was why my body began to fall apart. Losing weight is only positive when it’s for a health concern, otherwise, weight loss isn’t the answer.

2. The disorder numbed the pain of what I was going through. It only numbs the pain temporarily. The second you begin to recover, the pain hits you like a ton of bricks. Bottling it up or using addiction to cover up the pain can only work for so long. It’s always better to deal with the pain from the get go; the longer you wait, the more it hurts.

3. The disorder made me smarter.Um hello, “the stupid.” I thought that the disorder made me more diligent, but really it just made me more scattered, less dedicated and made me just not give a shit.

I guess that’s it. The disorder didn’t give me all that I thought it did. It’s all an illusion, really.

ONE ACTUALLY POSITIVE THING: The lovely people that I’ve met through treatment and other disordered people. One of my best friends, Laura, I wouldn’t have met if it hadn’t been for the disorder. I can honestly say that that is one truly positive thing that the disorder has given me.

Do you think the media contributes to the growing rate of girls developing eating disorders younger and younger?

I’m conflicted about this one. Personally, I think that it does have something to do with the bad body image that plagues women. I think it has something to do with our desire to be thinner, to be something that is quite simply unattainable. Maybe the media contributes, but isn’t the whole story.

I believe that the nature vs. nurture debate is pointless, because it’s really nature plus nurture that adds up to a disorder.

This is a good question but I don’t really have much to say. It may not be the only cause of eating disorders, as eating disorders may also have a biological component, but I definitely don’t think it helps.

What was your favorite meal before your ED? What is your favorite meal now?

The last time I remember not having an eating disorder or eating disordered thoughts when I was really young. In like second grade I remember being super excited in the month of December because for lunch, my Mom would pack my sandwich, a little note with a countdown to Christmas and one of those little Christmas tree cakes. I absolutely loved those things.

It might not be a meal, but I just remember getting really excited about it. I don’t really remember getting EXCITED for food other than that. Maybe for quesadillas. I loved those when I was young too.

I just loved food when I was younger. The healthy stuff too. I loved vegetables and fruit as much as I did the other “bad” stuff.

As for now… I don’t know that I have a favorite meal. I love anything that’s like, breakfast for dinner, but I feel like that started because for a while, the only foods that weren’t fear foods were breakfast foods. So I don’t know if it’s a disorder thing or if I honestly just love pancakes that much. It’s hard to separate the disordered thoughts from my own from me these days. But I seriously love pancakes. And syrup. Yummy.

What actions do you believe could be taken in the future to help prevent your child(ren) or close friends from ever developing an eating disorder?

This is a tough question. I’ve dealt with a lot of people that began to develop eating disorders in the time that I knew them. Throughout high school, people that knew I had an eating disorder would come to me to talk about it, and I’d try to save them from the disorder…but it’s up to them. I can tell them it will hurt them or kill them, I can tell them how horrible it is, I can tell them that they are beautiful and worth so much more…but really all I can do is be there for them and try to help them when they’re ready to recover.

If I ever decide to have kids (and if I even can at this point,) I’d just make sure that they knew that I loved them…that I was proud of them for even the littlest of things. I’d make sure they knew that they were beautiful or handsome, but that those qualities aren’t what make you amazing. The things that make you YOU are the ones that have nothing to do with physical appearance.

Those are the things I think I was lacking as a kid. I was always smart, so my Mom just kind of took it for granted, assumed I’d do well and never even said she was proud of me. I didn’t want presents for good grades like the other kids got. I just wanted… a hug, a “good job,” some kind of indication that the things I was accomplishing at such a young age meant anything at all to her.

My family focused a lot on weight. I grew up hearing my Mom call herself fat, my grandparents and Aunts talking about diets and weight loss and how food was basically the enemy.

I won’t have children until I know I’m ready to handle that. Until I know that I can restrain myself from using “behaviors” around them, that I won’t start talking about fat or weight loss or calories around them. The last thing a kid needs is their family feeding them the same bullshit definition of self-worth as society does.

In reality though, eating disorders run in my family. No matter what I do, it may be likely that my child with develop an eating disorder…and that scares me. That nature vs. nurture debate is a hot one, so who knows if making sure that my child isn’t neglected is enough. What if, in the end, my genes (not my behaviors) are what causes him or her to struggle with an eating disorder?

It scares me, it honestly does.

In the end, all I can really do is help those that are ready to be helped.

What are factors that contributed in your choice to recover?

There were a lot of factors that contributed to it.

First, one of my really good friends, Alexa, passed away from her eating disorder. She went into cardiac arrest and couldn’t be resuscitated. She was only twenty-one. That scared me a lot, and it made me realize that this can take anyone’s life, even when you think you’re fine.

Second, my heart stopped. That made me realize it could takemylife…that my body had reached it’s breaking point and that really, I couldn’t afford to push it much farther than I already have.

Somehow, those weren’t enough to just push me into recovery. I guess noone eventcan push you into recovery…but they can help you push yourself into recovery.

Third… I realized that I’m hurting the people around me. I’m tired of feeling like I’m letting them down. I want them to be proud of me, but not just when I’m eating a meal or doing something related to this. I want them to be proud of me for the things that I doinsteadof the disorder, for the accomplishments I make that the eating disorder has held me back from doing for so long.

I have friends that care about me, a boyfriend that loves me, a family that just wants the best for me. I realized that nothing in life is ever going to be perfect, but that the little things can make you much happier than anything else. To focus on those is to allow yourself to be happy. I realized that I deserve happiness. Maybe for a while I was too afraid to let myself be happy. But I’m ready.

Overall, the disorder has taken too many things from me (both figuratively and literally) and I’m tired of it hindering me from doing the things that I want to. I’m done. I’m ready to move on to the next chapter of my life.

3. List 10 NON physical things you like about yourself.

1. I’m empathetic.

2. I’m easy to talk to.

3. I’m a good singer.

4. I’m a talented writer.

5. I’m creative.

6. I’m passionate about everything that I do.

7. I’m generous.

8. I’m good at baking.

9. I’m intelligent.

10. I’m quirky. That sounds weird, but I love the little things that make me, me. Like my klutziness. Is it weird to love that about myself?

2. What does recovery mean to YOU?

To me, recovery is kind of this broad thing. Recovery is happiness. Recovery is accepting that you might not always be happy, but that the happiness you do find, you should cherish. Recovery is not using symptoms. Recovery is being able to consciously fight the thoughts and eventually, recovery is not having to deal with those thoughts on a daily basis. Recovery is re-prioritizing. Recovery is realizing you’re good enough. It’s being realistic about your short comings as well as your strengths. Recovery is realizing that life won’t always be perfect, but it’s beautiful all the same.

In reality though, I don’t know what recovery is. Maybe I have unrealistic expectations. Maybe I have no idea what recovery is… I probably don’t. I’ve never been there.

But recovery has to lead to a life worth living, a life that isn’t hell. Recovery has to be something better than this. Thatcan’t be unrealistic.