Hugh Laurie  (via mirnah)

(Source: silkandmarble, via alexkendafafafa)

When my friend Amanda said this, I knew it was true. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that TRUE recovery is never really discussed in “recovery” books. People tend to tell their stories, describe how they fell apart and then, in a chapter, tell us it was hard but worth it. But what really happens? How do you go from toeing the line of life or death to a beautiful healthy life?

They don’t tell you just how hard it is. They don’t tell you about waking up drenched in sweat in the middle of the night. They don’t tell you that you may inexplicably crave oreos at two o’clock in the morning. They don’t tell you how uncomfortable the weight gain is until it finally redistributes to where we wish the weight would go. They don’t tell you that the weight may never redistribute the way we wish it would. They don’t tell you that you wonder if you should give up every day. They don’t tell you about having to face the real issues that you’ve spent a year or five or twenty trying to avoid. They don’t tell you how scary it is to feel as if the biggest part of your identity is now a gaping hole, a void in your existence that seems near impossible to fill.

Why don’t they tell you these things? Maybe they’re afraid of scaring people away from recovery and back into their eating disorders. Maybe the entire thing is just a blur to most people. I wish I had known these things going into recovery, but not for the reasons most people think. I wish I had known so I hadn’t thought I was failing at recovery throughout the entire process. I wish I had known the details so I could see that it would end, that it wasn’t an eternal life of contemplation and a war with yourself. Had I known that the inner struggle would end one day, maybe I would have been more willing to sit through feeling “fat;” maybe I would have been willing to let myself cry about the traumas I never dealt with; maybe I would have fought those seemingly endless thoughts about giving up; maybe I would have spent more time trying to create a new person that I wanted to be rather than assume that my eating disorder was all I could be.

I’m here to tell you the reality of an eating disorder. I’m here to tell you that there are many uncomfortable moments, many moments you’ll want to give up and go back to the disorder, many moments that you feel like the only good part of you that you ever had was your disorder. Yes, there will be many of these moments, but they are not endless. Once you begin to fill in the void that the eating disorder once resided in, the uncomfortableness  begins to subside and you begin to feel comfortable in your own skin. You realize that life is more than the disorder, but you can’t make that realization if you give up before you’re even half way through.

I’m here to tell you the things that no one tells you about recovery. They don’t tell you that, by the end of this journey, you’ll get to know yourself better than most people get to know themselves in a life time. They don’t tell you how wonderful it feels to find inner peace. They don’t tell you how incredible it is to force that formerly negative energy into something positive and productive. They don’t tell you how amazing it feels to be alive.

You have to take the bad with the good and realize that if you push through that struggle, it does end. It hurts like hell to break free but once you do, there’s life outside of the thin cage. There’s life outside of the head you’ve been stuck in for all this time. But you have to close the door on the life you’ve lived for so long before the door to a new life can finally open. It’s a leap of faith, but it is absolutely a leap worth taking.

alexaarae:

I just want you to know: you are doing the right thing by choosing recovery.

(via findinghappinessandhealth)

1. I had a good session in therapy and realized a lot of things about getting better. I’m really going to work on myself so that I can be okay.

2. The baby I watch was in a relatively good mood yesterday, so not too much screaming or crying.

3. I played Crash Bandicoot with boyfriend!

4. I admitted to the lies to boyfriend and felt “here” for the first time in a long time. Although this literally caused my world to fall apart, it’s a rock bottom which means it’s just going to get better from here. I will get better from here.

1. I went to the ecology site with boyfriend and saw two really adorable red foxes while we were walking. They were just so cute and they kept pouncing on each other playfully, boyfriend and I sat there watching them and laughing at them and taking pictures of them for a good five minutes. It was absolutely adorable.

2. Boyfriend said that he finally likes the way my body is. Although it freaks me out to be at a weight that’s “normal,” I love that he’s happy. I know I have a terrible perception of myself, so the fact that he’s really happy with it is wonderful. It was nice to be touched in a way that felt like he wanted to, rather than in a way that he felt he was going to break me if he hugged too tight.

3. Doctor Who! It was an awesome episode. For those of you that watch, I really love Clara as a companion for the Doctor. Great episode, as always :) I was super happy it was on demand already even though it just showed last night.

Positive?

I’m having trouble grounding myself on this one. I spent over an hour today looking at pictures of the “sick” girls on Tumblr and that I was with in treatment, and all of a sudden I’m thinking about my lowest weight and realizing it wasn’t very low at all.

Help with some thoughts to counter this negative thought please?

hyperscraps:

angelofthehomosexuals:

ard3nt:

this is how I learned to stop doing it, people should reblog this. 

this is actually important

Hey look self harm advice that acknowledges that there’s more than two reasons that people do it

applauds

these are wonderful, i think a lot of people just try to stop without any kind of coping mechanism to keep you sane. reblog! :)

(Source: , via keep-the-promise)

And I haven’t counted calories today.

It’s fine fine fine fine fine. I’m fine.

I’m kind of proud of myself.

(via recoveryisbeautiful)

Today in therapy, my therapist was talking about how I really need to get it through my head that my REAL job right now isn’t anything but recovery. Recovery is more of a job than anyone else in my life has - it’s not just doing a job and doing it right. It’s finding yourself, figuring how to live healthily and happily. It made me feel good to know that she thought that I’m doing the right thing by taking medical leave.
She also said that I need to wake up in the morning thinking I have to COMMIT to recovery and truly commit to it. “Every night, assess how well you think you did that day. Really think about how far you’ve come and figure out the steps you’ve taken and where you need to improve.”
So maybe I’ll start doing like I did when I was in Mather. I’ll sum up my day, track my efforts towards recovery, the struggles I faced daily. Maybe I need to act like life itself is treatment, each experience is a way to learn about myself, a way to test myself and push myself to the next level.
So if you guys don’t mind, I’m going to stop bitching about the ups and downs of recovery and start tracking the progress that I’m making and where I need to improve. I somehow think you guys would be okay with that :)
I love you all and thank you for bearing with me through this difficult time. Thank you for the love, the support, the encouragement…everything.