I am searching for happiness and I know I will find it, because now I know I deserve to. <3

Had an absolutely lovely Valentine’s Day with the love of my life. He bought me flowers, chocolate, a teddy bear, a cute little ducky (it’s a silly joke between us) and he made me a CD of all of the songs that remind him of me. He wrote a really lovely card and told me that he made the CD to say the things that he couldn’t seem to express himself.

We went into Port Jefferson, got a nice, simple dinner, walked around and went into shops and then we got fudge at the candy shop. We went into one shop to get hot cocoa and realized that it was a rice pudding store…so of course, we had to get some. Shared cheesecake rice pudding which was absolutely amazing. We walked around Port Jeff some more and then walked down the board walk and onto the beach. It was chilly but absolutely beautiful.

We went back to his house and relaxed, had a little fun and then finally said goodnight. It really was just such an amazing day. Simple, romantic, and just…very us. I’ve never had such an amazing Valentine’s Day.

Off to bed, I’m absolutely exhausted.

Going to be okay with my body. I’m fine, I’m fine, I’m fine.

I found this picture earlier today and it made me think a lot. This picture was taken in January 2010, when I hit my highest weight. I was happier then than I have been in years. I was comfortable with myself, I was happy with the way my life was going. I was comfortable enough to get up in front of about 100 people and play my own song, a cover and then two other songs with a good friend of mine. I was happy.

So why am I so afraid of gaining weight? Why am I so terrified of doing something that may make me happier, more stable? Maybe I’d feel physically better if I gained a bit more…but despite the evidence that being a higher weight doesn’t make me miserable, I’m still afraid. I’m afraid of being too healthy. I’m at a pretty good place in recovery…but I’m still just so terrified. Why?

Today, when I was out shopping for Christmas presents for people, I decided that I also wanted to get something for myself. I wanted a cute sweater, something I felt good in. I sent this picture to my friend and she said that it flattered me like I thought it did, so I bought it before I could change my mind.

Looking back at this picture now, I like that I look a bit more curvy, that I look alive. I like that the color is bright. I’m glad I bought the sweater despite the fact that I hate spending money on myself. I deserved it and I feel good about buying it :)

What do you guys think? Worth spending some money on myself?

Trying to be okay with how I look today. I feel huge, especially because its my kinda sorta time of the month, but im gonna ignore it as best I can.

Don’t look at this if you are easily triggered; this post is more for myself to look back on and realize that I need to be healthy, that where I am right now is not okay

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I was wearing sweats because I felt fat and disgusting. Put on “real clothes” to try to make myself feel better. Now my thoughts are just racing. Distractions anyone?

Boyfriend and me at my Aunt’s backyard wedding :)