I keep telling myself that I just haven’t dealt with the fact that you left, but really it’s that I don’t know that I can ever believe that my life could be the same without you in it. It’s really that, even though I’ve dealt with it over and again, I can’t handle the fact that you left and that you did the things that you did to my Mom…and you turned me against her in the process.

Yes, my mother drove me crazy and yes, I didn’t want to live with her or deal with her anymore. But I didn’t know the things that you did that made her so insane. You oh so conveniently left out those details and left me hating my own mother and giving you more respect than you ever deserved. 

I thought you were the best thing that ever happened to us. You helped me through the eating disorder and Mom’s epilepsy, you kept me sane and listened to my bitching and I listened to yours. You told me things that a daughter probably shouldn’t know, but I knew them anyway. You told me things that I wish I didn’t know now, but I listened because you listened to me.

Now, knowing that you were doing things behind my Mom’s back, knowing that you were planning to leave for months even though you promised you’d always be around…I realize that I let my walls down when I should have kept building them up. I trusted you like I’ve never trusted anyone before and two years after your break up with Mom, I regret that. I regret feeling like such an idiot trusting someone that was betraying us the entire time.

Now I have trouble opening up to anyone, letting them in, because I’m afraid of being betrayed the way you betrayed us. You helped to cure my trust issues, then brought them back tenfold. I hate you for this. I hate to say that I hate you but I do. It makes me sad to think that someone that saved my life is the same person that’s destroyed the last two years of it.

All of this makes me sad. I feel like it’s why, two years later, I’m still dwelling. I’m not sure how long it takes to get over losing someone that meant the world to you and then having every memory destroyed by the knowledge of the fact that you were doing terrible things the entire time I knew you.

I lied about you dying because I wanted to be able  to deal with it, but I feel like I could lie about you dying a thousand times, get the sympathy and mourn the loss of you over and again and still never find the relief that I need to move past this.

I miss the person that you once were to me.

Love,

Meg.

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You would have been 22 today. You would have had your Master’s degree in behavioral neuroscience. You would have been working toward your PhD, doing research with prestigious professors and working your way up the academic ladder. You would have made so much of your life if you had only realized how much you had going for you, if you had been able to accept the help that was being pushed toward you.

I miss you. I’m working hard in memory of you. I want to make something amazing of my life in honor of you.

Happy 22nd to my best friend. I’ll never forget you.

Love,

Me

I don’t even know where to begin with this. It’s been almost a year. September 14th last year, you left us. You left us feeling empty and guilty and absolutely alone. You left your family and I devastated. Your family fell apart when you passed away…so did I.

I’ll be honest, I’m kind of angry that you’re not here with me. Maybe it’s a little late for all of this, but I think I’m only just starting to process it now. I still think about you all the time. What happened to my neuroscience buddy? My amazing supportive friend? My beautiful, intelligent, motivated and ambitious best friend? You starved it away, Alexa. I, of all people, know how it feels to not feel good enough, to not feel like you can deal with recovery. But you gave up. You told me, even promised me, that you were going to be okay. I watched it happen Lex, and now I’m left feeling like I could have done something more to save you, to help you through it. I feel like it was my fault, Alexa. I hate it.

Here I am, a year later, in pretty much the same position that you were in. My heart is in bad condition, every bit of my body running off pretty much nothing. Everything hurts, Lex. I’m tired. I’m tired of fighting, tired of trying. I want something to click in me head, to make me realize that I can’t do this. You were the one that used to get me through these hard times, and now you’re gone. I can’t talk to you. I can’t tell you my craziest thoughts and know that you’ll understand them and know how to fix it. You knew how to fix everyone but yourself.

I miss you. I need you. A year later I’m sitting here crying wishing you were here, wishing I’d done something more, wishing we hadn’t fought before your body began to fall apart. We were supposed to take on the world together, and now I’m just left feeling alone.

I love you. I miss you. Give me a sign that you’re still around.

Love always,

Meg

This week has been the craziest week of my life. I feel like I’ve said that many times before, but keep reading, trust me, this one takes the cake.

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In Loving Memory, Alterbridge cover.

It’s not good, my voice cracks a lot, I got emotional during a lot of it and I had to do a million key/octave changes because he has the most ridiculous range to ever exist. Especially for a man.

I may not sound good, but it doesn’t matter. I did this for them, for me. This is in memory of Alexa, D, Courtney, Bekah and Ellie, the lovely, amazing people that I have lost this year. I love you all and miss you more every day.

I have a wake to go to for a friend I’ve known for a very long time. I’m sad, I don’t think I can handle going. I’ve lost so many people. I feel alone. I need a hug.

Problems with boyfriend that we seem to have worked out but I’m still somehow still really worked up about.

I have this really beautiful black dress to wear to the wake and I just can’t bring myself to wear it because I feel absolutely and utterly disgusting in it.

I don’t know if I can do this.

Really tempted to use behaviors I can’t afford to use. Fuck.

In Memory - Ed Sheeran

J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone

I’m sorry I couldn’t save you. You were both too good for this. You should have lived, you should have survived. There had to have been something I could have done.

I love you both. I always will.