Lately, I feel terrible about everything going on with boyfriend. I’m dragging him down, stressing him out and putting him in a difficult place. I’ve been in and out of the hospital, I’ve been exhausted any time we see each other and I’ve been incredibly emotional. I don’t think there’s been a time I’ve been with him in the past few weeks that I didn’t cry at some point. It’s been difficult for him. But at the same time, my medical problems have been so much worse, I feel like I have a right to feel this way. My body is falling apart and all of the kidney and heart issues are having a lot of implications, even neurological ones, which are causing me to be even crazier than normal.
He hasn’t come to the hospital with me. I’ve never asked him, but he’s only ever offered once. I don’t think I’d be upset about it if I wasn’t genuinely afraid that I might not make it out of there one day. Once I’m out of the hospital, he acts like I’m all of a sudden supposed to feel better. Last time, he thought that I was upset about something, thinking I was mad at him and wouldn’t accept that I was honestly just drained and in pain. Maybe he’s just not accepting that I’m as sick as I am, but sometimes it feels like he doesn’t care.
I feel like most of it is probably that this is too much for me to deal with, and I don’t know how to handle any of it. But the other night, he pointed something out to me. “Meghan, you have never once, in the course of our relationship, said ‘Babe, I need you right now.’”
I denied it, thought back trying to remember a time that I did…and I never have. I always wait for him to ask to hang out, I wait for him to ask what’s wrong, I wait until he needs something. I never tell him when I really just don’t want to be alone, when I just need to be with him or I need him to help me through something.
Maybe I’d be happier in this relationship if I was just honest about what I needed. He said that same day that he saw me as too independent, that he kind of almost needs someone that’s needy because he so rarely feels needed…and he’s left feeling lonely. I am needy. I am a little desperate for affection…but I’ll never admit it. Maybe that’s why I’m so unhappy…because I’m guaranteeing that I’ll never have what I want or need.
So I guess this means that the issue isn’t our relationship, it’s just that I’m never honest about what I need. I keep considering breaking up with him, but I’m in love with him and I know that a lot of this is him not knowing what to do because I won’t clue him in… maybe I just don’t know what I want.
Sorry for the ramble, guys. More on the medical stuff when the doctors actually decide to tell me something.