Ugh

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Ugh.

At this point, I probably sound like a little five year old whining about everything, but honestly, I just need somewhere to vent. I need somewhere to talk about everything that’s going on, to figure it all out in writing because without words written down somewhere, this big messy jumble is just swirling around in my head.

I feel alone. I feel like I need something but I don’t know what it is. Something feels void in my life but no matter what I do, I can’t seem to fill it and I can’t seem to figure out what it is that’s making me so unhappy. I’m tired of feeling this way and I’m tired of hurting people because of this.

Could I text him and say I need him? Yeah, I could. But I feel like I’m so desperately needy sometimes, and yet he says that I never tell him when I need him at all. Why do I feel like I’m being obnoxiously dependent when he doesn’t feel needed at all?

But I can’t seem to reach out to anyone. I can’t seem to say “hey, I really need someone tot talk to right now.” I usually don’t even have anything to say, I just don’t want to be alone. At least if I’m with someone, the thoughts in my head subside a little, the urges to do things I know I shouldn’t aren’t nearly as loud. Is it that I’m not ready to give it up? I feel like it’s not, because all I really want is to feel okay for a little while, to be able to deal with everything. So I feel like it can’t be that I want to stay in this, because I don’t. I want so desperately to get out of it.

So why can’t I say “hey I need you right now”? Why can’t I just open up and tell someone what’s wrong, what’s going on? Because most of the time, I’m not even sure myself. I think I’m just falling apart a little and need someone that’s going to be there….and I know so many people that would be, but they can’t read my mind, they couldn’t know that I need support unless I told them.

I need to just open up.

It all falls apart at once. Life can seem just fine and all of a sudden everything goes to shit and life becomes unmanageable. It falls apart so I fall apart, triggering even more chaos, even more unbearable sequences of events. It all falls apart and I’m just not sure how to handle it so I don’t.

I cope with my eating disorder, with cutting. My brain shuts down, I don’t deal with anything. I dissociate, I literally can’t allow myself to deal with reality.

But I can’t do this. I have school and work and the expectations of the world on my shoulders. I can’t afford to fall apart. I can’t allow myself to. But how do you combat your brain? How do you push all of those thoughts aside, force yourself to live life like you would normally, if your life wasn’t a mess? You brain controls it all, so the moment it starts to malfunction, you’re fucked. You’re sitting in a room hysterically crying wishing someone would give you a God damn hug and fix it. It’s hard. It’s hard when the biggest battle you fight is within you, rather than in the world. At least in the world, there’s a definitive answer, there’s an end to the struggle, a palpable way to deal. When it comes to your brain, you’re stuck grasping in the dark, unsure of how to fix it. Doctors can’t, psychiatrists and psychologists can’t, so how can you?

I might be breaking down very quickly. I’m not able to deal with all of this. I really just can’t. I feel it coming and I can’t afford it. I have four tests next week, I should be studying, I should be looking for a job, I should be able to pull it together and deal.

I’ll explain all of this later… things fell apart a little bit. I just needed to rant and vent and figure out what the hell I’m thinking.

When the hell did it get back to this?

I don’t want you to think badly of boyfriend, and I don’t want you to think I’m some psychotic, crazy girl for being upset about this.

So he went to a bachelor party with his cousin’s fiance and a bunch of his cousins. His family is really close. Boyfriend’s cousin did NOT want her fiance going to a strip club for their bachelor party - she has a lot of trust issues and, from what I’ve heard, for good reason. The fiance told her that he would respect that and not go to the strip club.

Boyfriend gets there the night of the bachelor party thinking he was going to see Spiderman and MAYBE go to a strip club for a little while. They took him to the strip club and they stayed there for like…four hours. Boyfriend was really conflicted about the whole thing, he didn’t want to lie to his cousin and the guys were all thinking up a million lies about what to tell her when he got home. Boyfriend ends up telling his Mom what happened- he didn’t want his cousin to be mad at him, he didn’t want to be responsible if they broke up. Boyfriend’s Mom and Aunt call the fiance and say that if he doesn’t tell her, they would, so he did. Now his cousin is pissed at him and basically the entire family because they all knew what was going on and she didn’t. No one knew she didn’t know.

Boyfriend claimed that he tried to stop them before they went, saying his cousin would be mad and that the fiance said “It’s wrong but we’re doing it anyway.” When his mom talked to one of the guys they went out with, they said it’s “Not a big deal to lie to her. It’s a white lie because the truth isn’t really an option.”

The wedding may not be happening, no one really knows what’s going on, all they know is that at the moment, they’re broken up.

Yesterday, boyfriend tells me that all the guys were getting lap dances and that the entire night was just ridiculous. I looked up at him. “Did you get a lap dance?” I didn’t think he’d say yes. “No.” But the no was obviously a lie. “Did you?!”

“Well…yeah. They were pushing me to the entire night and I just wanted them to shut up. I didn’t like it and I was laughing at her the entire time and I was uncomfortable and don’t hate me I’m sorry I’m sorry I’m sorry.”

First of all, I think he’s lying that he “didn’t like it.” It makes me angry that I feel like he’s lying. I’d rather him say he enjoyed it than to lie to me. It also makes me mad that he didn’t say yes initially.

Like….I didn’t care that he was going to a strip club. SEEING women is different than…having something done by them.

I cried last night when he was here, it was the first time he ever saw me cry.

Like really, am I being ridiculous? Should I not be upset about this? I know he apologized and yes, he’s being honest (other than the fact that I feel like there’s no way he didn’t like it…) but it bothers me that the day after he came home from being on a trip with like 9 girls, he got a lap dance from a stripper…like what the hell.

Needless to say, I’m upset, feeling betrayed and alone and feeling stuck between letting it go and bringing it up again. I know it upsets him when I bring it up because it’s causing problems in the family, but it’s bothering the fuck out of me.

I had a dream last night that she was giving him a lap dance, he’s like shoving singles in her g-string and smiling…touching her… I can’t even think about it.

It bothers the fuck out of me.

I don’t like this. I hate this. I don’t want to be angry at him, I don’t want to not be able to trust him. But I’ve never felt like this about anyone before, and now I feel like I care about him more than he cares about me. I can’t deal with this.

I could use em :)