Recovering from Inner Chaos

"It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that..."

Mon, 20 May 2013 08:00:38 -0400

“It’s a terrible thing, I think, in life to wait until you’re ready. I have this feeling now that actually no one is ever ready to do anything. There is almost no such thing as ready. There is only now. And you may as well do it now. Generally speaking, now is as good a time as any.”

- Hugh Laurie (via mirnah)

Three a Day Keeps the Blues Away: May 19th, 2013

Mon, 20 May 2013 07:34:07 -0400

1. Worked at my Mom’s office for a bit and listened to my Ed Sheeran Pandora station all day. It’s nice to do easy work and get paid for it.

2. Stopped after work at a market by boyfriend’s house on the way to his house and found us Chipwiches which we’ve wanted for forever. Super yummy and he appreciated it, especially because it was also a peace offering after a fight we had. Chipwiches = love.

3. Funny conversation with Laura about how we need coffee delivery people to resolve the coffee paradox (coffee gives you energy, but you need energy to go get/make coffee.) An attractive coffee delivery woman/man with a lovely accent to deliver us coffee at all times. As Laura said “Coffee and cleavage delivery service, may I take your order?”

Photo

Sun, 19 May 2013 16:00:47 -0400

Slightly miserable today

Sun, 19 May 2013 13:43:00 -0400

There hasn’t been a day in months that I haven’t cried.

Three a Day Keeps the Blues Away: May 18th, 2013

Sun, 19 May 2013 01:31:17 -0400

1. Played lotto because it was up to 600 million jackpot and everyone at boyfriend’s family party was going in on tickets… we didn’t win, but it’s always fun to try.

2. Had a nice time at his family party. Good food, they were fun/nice (usually they’re kind of loud and critical, but this time I was laughing most of the time. Maybe it was just because I felt “present.”) His aunt and uncle had listened to my SoundCloud stuff and they loved it so they kept talking about how amazing it was. It felt nice to hear that.

3. DOCTOR WHO SEASON FINALE. So awesome but so…FRUSTRATING. How am I supposed to wait until the end of November to have all of my questions answered?!

4. I wore a cute dress and it made me feel good.

Guys, in six days I’ll have a full month without lying. Pretty damn proud of myself.

Sat, 18 May 2013 11:18:43 -0400

Guys, in six days I’ll have a full month without lying. Pretty damn proud of myself.

Three a Day Keeps the Blues Away: May 17th, 2013

Fri, 17 May 2013 22:23:12 -0400

1. Took the puppy for a walk in the amazing weather.

2. Cleaned my room! (Only took me 5 months to finally do it.)

3. Had a good therapy session today. We talked about how I feel guilty about everything and how I need to try to do my negative thoughts technique when I blame myself. We also talked about how I need to start keeping track of what I’m eating and showing her so that I don’t start to slip. It was just good to get things out. She said she’s proud of me for staying honest since I fessed up about lying and for admitting when I’m even being the least bit untruthful. I’m pretty proud of myself too.

Not having a good body image day.

Thu, 16 May 2013 14:28:25 -0400

Smiling because I deserve to :) also, loving this dress and this...

Thu, 16 May 2013 09:47:07 -0400

Smiling because I deserve to :) also, loving this dress and this amazing weather!

"Suicide is selfish."

Wed, 15 May 2013 21:59:07 -0400

My Mom’s cousin had just stood in front of a train on a local track to end his own life when I first heard that phrase that would seem to follow me for the next decade. “Suicide is selfish. Only selfish people can do something so horrible to their friends and family.” I saw the devastation that spread like wildfire through the family; his son, ten years later, is still addicted to drugs to deal with the pain of his father not caring enough to stick around for him. I saw the heartache of those close to him, I saw the tears streaming down everyone’s cheeks at his closed-casket wake. I barely remember him, but every once in a while, when I pass those tracks, I still think about how much pain he must have been in to finally decide to end it, to take his own life and leave the pieces shattered for his family to half-heartedly put together over the years. Suicide was selfish, they told me, and I believed them.

Ten years later, having been through hell and back, I can’t say that I believe suicide is selfish. Maybe the act itself, depriving your family and friends of your wonderful presence, is selfish, but that doesn’t mean that the person is. When I began having suicidal thoughts all those years ago, those words rang through my mind and it occurred to me, time and time again, that if suicide was a selfish act then I must be a selfish person. This thought process perpetuated the self-hatred and only created this agonizing dichotomy within me. I hated myself enough to believe that everyone around me deserved to live without me, but I didn’t want to be that selfish suicidal girl in case there was one poor soul that did happen to care about me for even a moment. So I was torn. I considered ending it many times. I would remember that my boyfriend had a test that week, I couldn’t possibly put him through that now. I would realize that my Mom had already had a hard week, I couldn’t possibly make it any more difficult. Somehow, I knew that they would be happier without me once they got past the grieving. I spent so much time trying to find the most considerate time to end it, so as not to hurt someone. I wanted to end it because I thought people deserved to live without me, but I didn’t want people to be whispering to each other what they were whispering at my cousin’s funeral: “Suicide, I heard. So selfish.”

In hindsight, I realize that I was pushing people away from me because I figured if no one cared, I could end it without hurting anyone at all. I could leave this world, only putting a slight burden on the poor man whose job it was to bury me that day. That’s a burden that would happen no matter what, so it was only a matter of timing, not my selfish ways. I eased the guilt that I felt for my suicidal thoughts by pushing everyone so far out of my life that I thought it wouldn’t matter at all whether or not I was there.

I’m still picking up the pieces of that dark time of my life. At some point, maybe it was just recently or even as I was writing this, I realized that suicide would hurt this world no matter I pushed everyone away or not. I have talent and potential that I haven’t reached yet. I am an intelligent, driven person and, when I let go of these demons that have overtaken me for so long, I have a chance to make a difference in this world. To deprive the world of any talent I have or discovery I have the potential to make is to rob the world of a wonderful human being and the potential to be happier and healthier. My goal has always been to help people somehow and I can’t do that if I’m dead. I’m finally pulling people back to me, building up the bridges that I had taken so much time and effort to burn. I don’t want to be alone anymore and I don’t want to push everyone away. I deserve to live and, while it’s going to take some time, I will live happily and healthily once I realize that I have people that love and care about me. As much as I tried to burn some bridges, I still have people that stuck around. I have a boyfriend that loves me, a mother that has never once stopped caring and a few very close friends that will always help me through my times of need. That’s true love and true friendship, and I’m finally realizing I need to appreciate that rather than cut those ties in order to end a life that I finally realized I’m not done living.

If someone ever tells you that they are having suicidal thoughts, please take it from me and ignore your nagging instinct to tell them that these thoughts are selfish. Instead, remind them that they are loved, that they are cherished, and that they are needed in this world. Help them find their place in this world, help them reconnect with the friends they’ve avoided. Help them to find help. Suicidal thoughts will not just go away. Thinking that they are selfish thoughts will not magically make them disappear. We need help, we need guidance and most of all, we need unconditional, undying love.

The suicidal thoughts are back.

Wed, 15 May 2013 19:01:26 -0400

I won’t act on it, but it’s exhausting feeling this way all the time.

The thoughts are overwhelming. I can’t help but think that people would be better off without me, that it will never get better. I know I need to be optimistic, but I can’t help it. There hasn’t been a day in weeks that I haven’t cried. I want to be alone but every time I’m alone, I’m miserable and wish I had something to do, someone to be with. I’m all over the place and I’m exhausted.

I want to be happy. I don’t want to feel alone. I don’t want to keep feeling like I’m a burden to the entire world, that my death would be a gift to everyone else.

I’m tired of this.

Tired of being sad.

Wed, 15 May 2013 15:47:30 -0400

Photo

Wed, 15 May 2013 08:00:19 -0400

"What if you didn’t run? This one time. What if you stayed, and let love overtake you?"

Tue, 14 May 2013 16:00:39 -0400

“What if you didn’t run? This one time. What if you stayed, and let love overtake you?”

- Josh Bennett (via rainydaysandblankets)

"Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest..."

Tue, 14 May 2013 08:00:26 -0400

““Marry your best friend. I do not say that lightly. Really, truly find the strongest, happiest friendship in the person you fall in love with. Someone who speaks highly of you. Someone you can laugh with. The kind of laughs that make your belly ache, and your nose snort. The embarrassing, earnest, healing kind of laughs. Wit is important. Life is too short not to love someone who lets you be a fool with them. Make sure they are somebody who lets you cry, too. Despair will come. Find someone that you want to be there with you through those times. Most importantly, marry the one that makes passion, love, and madness combine and course through you. A love that will never dilute - even when the waters get deep, and dark.””

- N’tima (via kevinidentity)

Three a Day Keeps the Blues Away: May 13th, 2013

Mon, 13 May 2013 21:57:59 -0400

1. The baby I babysit is really cute.

2. I had a moment of clarity where I felt very present and “here.” I like that I’ve been feeling more present lately.

3. My grandma apologized for yesterday. It doesn’t fix what happened but at least it’s a step.

Intention: go home from work and clean room.

Mon, 13 May 2013 17:22:27 -0400

Reality: cry all the way home, eat chocolate and lay on the couch.

yay depression.

Just called a psychiatrist to get an evaluation and try to get on some medication.

Mon, 13 May 2013 13:26:31 -0400

Nervous but I know I need some more help.

Every one of my friends is enveloped in the stress of finals or wants nothing to do with me

Sun, 12 May 2013 21:24:13 -0400

And I kind of need someone to talk to. Today was terrible, big blow up with my grandma, horrible thoughts running through my head and my stomach is killing me.

I wish I could just sleep.

You know, people always comment about how quiet I am

Sun, 12 May 2013 13:08:21 -0400

Then I try to get a word in edge wise with my family and I’m told I’m too loud and to stop talking. Wonder why I’m so quiet around other people..

not looking forward to house number two. Yay mothers day…