So weight loss, to most, is a good thing. And in my mind, it’s a good thing. But whenever I lose weight, I feel guilty. I feel like I’m doing something wrong…maybe because of the way that I lose it. I know that my recent weight loss, although very minimal, wasn’t lost in the right way. I lost it by restricting what I eat, by forcing my body to do what I want it to rather than treating it well.

Although I have this sense of pride for losing that seven pounds, I have a sinking feeling in my stomach. I feel like I did something wrong, like I’m going to get in trouble or something. It’s like when you’re a kid and you sneak a snack that you weren’t supposed to have, then you hear your parents come in; you’re still happy you got the snack, but you know you did something wrong in the end.

Right now, losing weight isn’t unhealthy. I’m still a healthy weight. I’m not restricting THAT much. But I know that losing this way isn’t going to end well. Losing weight the healthy way is fine, but to do it like this is to ask for a relapse which I’m already sort of in the midst of. I keep trying to justify it by saying that this weight is still healthy and that it’s not unhealthy behavior unless I’m underweight.But restricting is restricting, no matter what weight you are.It’s hard to get past the numbers and realize that any time I do this, I’m putting my health at risk. I try to remind myself of it, but it’s so difficult.

106 pounds isn’t wrong, but the way that I got there is.