The past few weeks has been a mess for me, and I’m a bit frustrated.
Two weeks ago, I was taken to a psychiatric emergency room because I was seen standing on the train tracks waiting for a train to come. I spent a few hours there, saw my therapist after, and my boyfriend simply asked “are you ok?” And that was the end of it.
Until I asked why he didn’t seem to care. Eventually, it came out that he was simply avoiding dealing with it, because he didn’t want to believe that could ever happen. I get it, I do, but it’s hard to accept that your boyfriend is going to show little to no fear that it’ll happen again, no care in the world that the person he supposedly loves was almost gone. He finished the project he was working on with his friends and picked me up from the hospital a few hours later.
I was frustrated.
Then, my Mom had a mental break down, ended up going to the hospital for a psych evaluation, decided that she’s not “crazy enough” to be there and that, instead, it was just unhealthy that she was living with me. So she left.
She’s been gone for a week now and probably won’t be back for at least another week. I don’t want her to come back, but I’m also a train wreck without her. I feel guilty and responsible. Since not living with me, she’s really managed to pull it together. I feel like I’m the reason she was such a mess, like it was my fault that she was so miserable in the first place. I blame myself and I haven’t wanted to be alone. I’ve been afraid of being in my house alone and I’ve been afraid of what I’ll do home alone.
Then boyfriend decides that he’s going to go caving for a day, upstate. He won’t be able to talk to me while he’s in there (obviously) and when I mentioned that it was bad timing and I wished I didn’t have to be alone, he just said “sorry.”
I wished he would at least have offered to stay home, or surprised me by showing up. Is it selfish of me to have wanted him here? The suicidal thoughts have been creeping in and he’s not reachable for at least four more hours. I’m afraid of what I’ll do in that time. I have work tonight, but I want to call in sick. I have a test on Monday but I haven’t studied and I’m fairly sure I’ve given up trying. I’ve been crying all day, miserable and alone. Maybe I’m asking too much. Maybe I’m depending on him too much… Yes, he’s been here for me all week and I appreciate that…but what about when it’s not convenient? What about when it comes to him sacrificing something he wants to do to be there for me? Generally, he falls through and I’m disappointed. I appreciate the times he is there for me, but I can’t help but think that’s just because he doesn’t have anything else to do.
I’m kind of pissed that he’s caving right now and I’m sitting on my couch crying alone. I’m kind of pissed that when HIS life fell apart, it was assumed I would be there, it was assumed I would drop work and my plans to come be with him and yet, when my life falls apart, I can’t make that same assumption.
I’m sad. I’m lonely. I can’t handle this.